Gentlemen, if your morning shower routine currently involves a generic bar that smells vaguely of regret and industrial cleaner, it’s time for an emergency extraction. You need to upgrade your arsenal, and the new Dr. Squatch Alien Awakening & Predator Purge 4-Pack ($30) is the only acceptable intergalactic defence against dirt and grime.

Forget passive cleaning; this is a full-scale “Hunting Party” designed to make you the most “fearsomely fresh being in space.” You get two bars of Alien Awakening, promising the crisp, enigmatic scent of “Intergalactic Mist” (presumably what an astronaut smells like after they’ve successfully punched an asteroid).

Then there are two bars of Predator Purge, infused with “Jungle Hunt,” ensuring you emerge from the steam smelling less like the office and more like a highly evolved, thermal-vision-equipped jungle warrior.

Dr. Squatch promises all the good stuff: 98–100% natural origin ingredients and a “sh*t list” of bad ingredients they refuse to touch. This soap is formulated for men—meaning it performs at the “highest level” and features “unique, manly scents,” because apparently, real men smell like the humid, dense undergrowth of an alien planet.

Stop hiding behind soap that lacks ambition. For $30, you can finally assemble your team, scrub off the accumulated horrors of your day job, and step out of the bathroom ready for a high-stakes encounter. After all, if this soap can clean a space marine, it can certainly handle Tuesday.