Gentlemen, are you currently desecrating your perfectly chilled craft ales with… shudder… a standard bottle opener? For shame! Elevate your beer-cracking game to piscatorial perfection with the Studio Ham Fish Bottle Opener (£95). This isn’t just any opener; it’s a solid, aged brass salmon. Yes, you read that correctly. Shaped like a fish, weighty like a paperweight, and priced like… well, let’s not dwell on that. But FEEL that satisfying heft! Admire the “finely engraved scaling”! Marvel at the “cross-hatched details”!

Practically decorative, or decoratively practical? Who cares! It opens bottles. With a fish. A brass fish. Subtly stamped “S.H.” for that air of clandestine luxury. For the gent who appreciates the finer things in life, even when those finer things involve levering off bottle caps. £95 to become the undisputed “fish bottle opener guy”? Worth every penny. Cod be with you.