Let’s face it, gentlemen, sometimes you just want to channel your inner mischievous teenager, but with slightly less questionable life choices. Enter the State Bicycle Co. Black & Metallic Klunker ($420.69) – the two-wheeled answer to all your “DGAF” desires.

What, pray tell, is a Klunker? Imagine if a beach cruiser, a mountain bike, and a BMX had a glorious, retro-inspired love child. That, my friends, is the Klunker. Built on a steel frame tough enough to withstand your most audacious (and probably ill-advised) stunts (it even comes with a 5-year warranty – because they know you’ll test it), this bike is less about KOMs and more about good times.

With its BMX-style stem, ridiculously wide 30-inch V-bars (perfect for looking effortlessly cool), and Vans Grips (for that authentic skater vibe), the Klunker screams “I’m just popping to the corner shop for emergency biscuits, but I could totally shred that trail if I wanted to.” And with those ground-eating 27.5” WTB knobby tires, you actually could.

The beauty of the Klunker lies in its glorious simplicity. No confusing gears to faff with, just a reliable coaster brake that’s as maintenance-free as your ex’s promises. You can ride it in anything from sensible brogues to questionable sandals, thanks to the flat pedals. Plus, it comes with a standard bottle opener. Because let’s be honest, that’s the real essential for any serious “neighbourhood cruise.” So, ditch the Lycra, grab your Klunker, and reclaim your inner rebel. Just try not to wheelie into your boss.