So, hiking shoes. The Adidas Terrex Skychaser AX5 GORE-TEX, $120. Now, they say “waterproof hiking shoes for technical terrain.” What is technical terrain, exactly? Is it when you’re walking through a puddle, but it’s a really challenging puddle? Like, it’s got a twig in it? Very technical. Or maybe it’s just the walk from your sofa to the fridge on a particularly cluttered Saturday morning. That’s my technical terrain.

They’ve got this GORE-TEX membrane. “Seals out wet conditions while letting your feet breathe.” So, it’s like a bouncer for water, right? “You! Water! You’re not on the list. But air? Come on in, pal, make yourself at home.” It’s a very selective membrane. Very discerning.

And the “LIGHTMOTION EVA midsole” for a “fast and light feel.” What’s a “fast and light feel” when you’re hiking? Are we talking about a quick escape from a particularly aggressive squirrel? Or just the feeling of being slightly less burdened by the existential dread of prolonged physical exertion? Because I’ll take either, frankly.

Then there’s the “Continental™ Rubber outsole.” Continental, like the tires? So, my shoes have tire treads? Am I going to be out there, revving my feet, trying to get grip on a particularly stubborn rock? “Vroom, vroom! Just trying to get to that scenic overlook, pal!”

They weigh 15.2 oz. That’s almost a pound per shoe. When you put that on your foot, is it still “light”? It’s like when you buy a “light” yoghurt. It’s lighter than the full-fat, sure, but it’s still yogurt. It’s not a cloud. And with a 12mm midsole drop, I’m imagining some kind of fancy foot ramp. All for “sublime all-day comfort.” Because if you’re going to tackle that “technical terrain,” you might as well be supremely comfortable while doing it. Sounds like a lot of fuss for a walk in the park, if you ask me.